Updated: Nov 23
What Do You Do When You've Had Enough Of Your Teen’s Nasty Behaviour?
I've Had Enough Of My Teen’s Nasty Behaviour, What Do I Do?
This Is A Question That A Parent Of Teen Raised Today, A Question Often Raised By So Many Parents Of Teens.
"I have had enough!" This mum started talking. I could feel that tears were streaming down her cheeks
I have 3 children and a partner of 14 years. My 14 year old daughter is causing mayhem and misery at home, terrorising and terrifying us all. She makes me cry every day. Her siblings are totally scared of her.
This teen has terrorised us so much that my relationship with my partner is tearing apart. Just so you know, until now we’ve always had a fabulous relationship with my partner.
The mum carried on talking, her voice shuddering I could feel she was shaking, like one overcome by emotions.
Right now we are so strained and strangulated that we’ve begun to fight. We are all on an all time low, constantly tired and scared. Miss teen has also been violent towards us, kicking, booting, throwing things at us and breaking things. She now refuses to go to school. She sneaks out of the house in the little hours of the night and goes missing for hours and when we find her, she is in dangerous places drunk and drugged.
I listened as this mum carried on, now speaking so fast, her words almost running past each other.
Police have been involved but it’s so embarrassing. This makes us feel so guilty when police arrive in the night and, as they search wake the other kids up. Teen, she steals money from our room including raiding her siblings piggy banks. We walk on eggshells. When I am trying to help my other two with their homework or other activities, she shouts and hurls nasty abuses at me. Social services are now involved because of poor school attendance and extreme negative behaviour. But their involvement doesn’t seem to be helpful as she sees them as a piñata, where she goes to grab sweets and treats once every two weeks.
I continued to listen and nod and allowed her to pour her feelings and
I haven’t got family around who can help and support may be even give our other kids a break. I am seriously considering putting her in care to give the whole family a break.
But I feel so guilty and as a failure for even thinking that. But she is ruining her life, and ours, and we are all not ok; because of her. She puts herself at extreme risks and the fear in our home is so intense.
Our wellbeing is gone.
What Should I do?
There's a parent of teen truly seeking an answer about what she should do as she feels she's had enough of her teen's nasty behaviour.
You can listen to podcast to
for my response or just read on.
What Do You Do When You've Had Enough Of Your Teen’s Nasty Behaviour?
This above situation is one that is common with many parents of teens.
So what do you do or can you do when you’ve had enough of your teen’s nasty behaviour
Listening to that parents cry, I was able to glean and identify these four main points and address them.
The four points include:
The age of the kid..
The teenager's strengths.
A need for attention.
The ever present and remaining strength of the parent.
Let me explain quickly why these points are important.
1. The age of the kid helps in the recognition and acknowledgement that in teenage years, the brain and body change in drastic ways and this has an effect on their behaviour. Understanding this can help parents be more compassionate.
2. The teenager’s strengths. I had to listen and look for at least one positive quality to kickstart the solution of connection. And this was, the teen is able to sit down with another person and listen. Thus there's an opportunity that given a chance she can sit listen to her mum.
3. Teen disrupts when mum is helping other kids. There's a possible craving for attention to directed towards her and it manifests as jealousy.
4. Mum's ever present strength which can be found in vulnerability.
Here are the practical solutions I recommended to this mum to implement straight away in light of her question; What to do when you’ve had enough of your teen’s nasty behaviour.
If you are a parent of teen in a similar situation you can implement these suggestions too.
Listen to podcats conversation here
Consider this is a teen. Try to understand teenage years are tricky and trying for many parents so you are not alone. This is in now meant to minimise the pain that you feel. Teen tantrums and trial tend to peak at ages 14-16. Their bodies and brains are brewing with changes and these changes are the cause of unreasonable, impulsive and emotional behaviour and decisions.
Your teenager’s strengths. Capitalise on the fact that she is capable of sitting and listening to someone. Take your daughter to one side tell her you’ve noticed you haven’t been spending much time with her and you now want to start doing that with her and listen to her more often. Make a point to just listen when you are having a conversation with her. Remind her you are aware and are proud of her her ability to sit and chat with social services people.
Her need for attention will also be fulfilled and possibly quenched when you spend time with her. Remember you said she disrupts when you are helping other kids? When you begin to spend special moments with her, the jealousy may wane as you fulfil her need for attention.
Your strength in vulnerability. During your first chat, suggest you may have been everything she wanted you to be. Sometimes as parents we have to come from a space of being vulnerable and allow our kids to tell us where “we have failed” or gone wrong in parenting them. When they mention it, let us acknowledge and apologise and then ask them for suggestions what we can do better in parenting them. This feedback is very crucial because it shines a light on us, but more importantly it gives teenagers space to express themselves from a position of power. As I continued to chat with this parent trying my best to answer her question about what do now she'd had enough of her teen’s nasty behaviour, I was aware that sometimes, as parents of teens, we can do everything right and in our power but situation still remain unresolved.
So, I carried on;
Please remember, your considering putting her in care is a feeling that many parents of teens may have felt from time to time and many possibly never express it quite in that way. So do not feel guilty and don’t think or take it as if you are giving up. It’s protecting your child and yourself; giving yourself and the rest of the family space to be sane. To continue in a situation that is wearing you down would be like attempting to feed people when you are empty, you’ve got nothing and no value to give
Please remember there's the option to put her into school or community counselling services too.
Now, considering you have tried all the approaches suggested above and still nothing works to resolve the situation and rectify your teen’s nasty behaviour; this is what you can do.
If all fails, have this tough conversation with her. Explain how much you love her. Explain how her behaviour is causing disruption and then let her know what you intend to do. Give her another chance so to say and a timeline. If there are no changes for the sake of your family wellbeing, send her to live somewhere else as you suggested social care as you have no family about.
This will give her and the rest of the family respite.
You like many other parents may worry that she will never forgive or forget that you put her in care.
But consider this; she is nearly 15 and ought to be shown and learn how her actions have consequences.
Our lovely teens need to know that just like them, parents have basic human rights. No parent should have to endure untold abuse or violence from their kids.
For example, I try my best to connect with my teen and correct her. But she knows that I am no physical and emotional punchbag and that I would never sacrifice my mental wellbeing for anyone, not even her. Because if i am mentally broken i would be of no help or support to her.
As I said before when you are dried up you have no life or value to give to anyone. I love her so much I want to be healthy for her.
A recent research about the most compassionate people in the world confirmed something I have intuitively always known; these people have firm boundaries.
They love and care firmly without breaking themselves down.
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