Why Parenting Teenagers and Young Adults Is Like Riding a Winning Horse - Skill, Partnership and Trust Make All the Difference.
- Angela Cook
- Jan 26
- 1 min read
Raw power alone can’t win the race — Psychologist Angela Cook shares research‑backed insights showing that partnership, not pressure, builds the confidence and resilience young people need to thrive in our communities.
Parenting teenagers — and guiding young adults — can be compared to riding a spirited, high‑potential horse. Not because young people need taming, but because both relationships rely on harmony, trust, and intelligent leadership.
A winning horse has strength, speed, and instinct, raw power, just as a teenager or young adult has emerging identity, independence, and enormous potential. On the other hand, the parent — the rider — brings clarity, calm leadership, emotional steadiness, and the wisdom to guide that power in the right direction.
Neither can win the race alone.
As a Psychologist, Parenting & Wellbeing Coach, I often say in my work with families,
“Parenting at this stage is not about control — it’s about partnership. You and your young person are running the same race, but neither of you can win it without the other."
The skilled rider doesn’t yank reins or force obedience. They align, guide, trust, and adapt. Parenting adolescents and young adults requires the same mastery.
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Alignment is all about understanding your youth’s stage of development.
Just like a rider must align themselves with the horse’s movements, parents ought to align their expectations with the young person’s developmental needs.
Alignment is not about lowering standards, it’s about understanding the developmental terrain your young person is navigating."
Various research including Tackett et al. (2023) show adolescence is a pivotal period for identity formation and leadership emergence.
Therefore we need to trust our young people even when they cannot clearly articulate their vision and direction. This is where our own clarity as parents is important and our wise guidance crucial as we remain a subtle consistent counsel.
Just like a winning horse responds to subtle cues, and not harsh commands, teenagers and young adults respond to kind guidance, not control.
Harvard‑aligned developmental research shows that guidance — not micromanagement — strengthens decision‑making and emotional regulation. This is echoed by Karagianni & Montgomery’s (2018) in their research review, which emphasises that leadership in young people develops best through supportive, autonomy‑building environments rather than authoritarian ones.
I often tell parents in my workshops, “Our job is not to steer every step, but to teach them how to steer themselves.”
Just like a horse rider must trust the horse’s instincts, as parents it’s crucial we trust the young person’s growing abilities.
Neuroscience and developmental psychology consistently show that trust and psychological safety are essential for teens and young adults in order for them to take healthy risks and build self-belief.
A 2024 research by Liu, Bian and Bian found that when parents are warm, supportive, and encourage their teenagers to be independent, young people grow into strong leaders. This is because this parental support boost teens’ confidence, belief in their abilities, empathy, and willingness to help others.
I often emphasise, “When you trust your young person, you’re not stepping back — you’re stepping alongside them. You’re saying: I believe you can handle this, you are capable” —- and as we know as leaders ( which parents are) our children rise to the level we believe for them. Join The Program Wisdom For Successfully Parenting Teenagers Today
Just like horses feel everything — tension, fear, frustration- teenagers and young adults do too. Therefore a rigid rider can create resistance, whilst a flexible rider creates flow.
Research on adaptive parenting shows that responsiveness and emotional flexibility reduce conflict and increase cooperation and these are essential qualities when guiding young people through this season when they are navigating exams, relationships, identity shifts, and early adulthood transitions.
As I often explain, “Flexibility is not weakness. It’s intelligent leadership. It’s knowing when to hold the reins and when to loosen them so your young person can find their own stride.”
Parenting teenagers and young adults is ultimately about partnership, not power. Just as a winning horse brings strength, instinct, and raw potential like our young people, the parent — the rider — brings the vision, steadiness, kindness, and emotional regulation that guide that potential coherently towards success. That's why parenting skills that incorporate attunement, flexibility, and trustworthiness create the safety a young person needs to run boldly.
And while force may produce short‑term obedience, it is harmony — the respectful, steady communication and connection that says "we’re in this together" — that is what builds the confidence young people need to thrive in the long run.
Ultimately, neither the rider nor the horse can win the race alone. The victory belongs to the partnership. And when parents lead with kindness, harmony, and coherent guidance, we don’t just raise strong young people — we build the foundations of truly harmonious communities.
Angela Cook is an Oxfordshire Psychologist, Parenting & Wellbeing Coach regularly featured in local, national and international media. Founder of Raising Remarkable Teenagers and AngelaEmpowers.coach
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